Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
