This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
