you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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