new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
