I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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