Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
