I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
