Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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