I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
