idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
