ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
