DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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