I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
