Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
