I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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