I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
