I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
