She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
