this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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