Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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