ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
