He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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