Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
