The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
