Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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