This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
