She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
