My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want her autograph on my taint
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
