I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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