oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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