last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
