Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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