You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize