he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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