New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
