my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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