wrigley field is MILF paradise
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm sobbing to NWA
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
