Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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