Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
