ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
