someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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