Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Fuck appropriateness.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
