oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
