does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
