I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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