she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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