Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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