names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
