hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
