I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
